It’s a Myth! You are not Codependent

The concept of “co-dependency” has been around for a very long time. It has also been used to shame people into thinking there must be something wrong with them.

But what really is co-dependency? Does it exist? If it does, then how does it originate and what can we do about it?

An individual cannot be “co-dependent” since “co” implies there is more than one person. Therefore, we can only call a relational dynamic “co-dependency” and not the person(s) involved.

Being in a co-dependent dynamic implies that two people (or more) are entangled, often unconsciously, in a relational set-up that is not really working for either of them.

They depend on each other in their relational roles.

Let’s take a mother and his adult son. In this scenario, the adult son is 40 years old. Yet in moments of overwhelm and emotional distress, he find himself calling his mother (almost right away) for support even though his mother never truly listens to him and only gives him advice that he, in turn, never listens to either.

After their conversations, both of them often feel drained and bitter. Yet neither of them challenges the other and so they stay stuck and unhappy in this pattern of relating with each other. This is co-dependency.

Why do they feel stuck in their patterns instead of creating a much healthier and life-affirming relationship?

The short answer is fear. The long answer is that they are not completely aware of what they are doing in these moments and why. They are in auto-pilot, running old and conditioned patterns that might have helped them cope when they were little. Yet these patterns no longer serve them.

While the son feels stuck in “needing mom” when he feels emotionally vulnerable, the mother is stuck in “having to save my son” programming.

These patterns are often unconsciously driven by fear. To create a much healthier and mutually supportive relationship, they both need to explore their fears and emotional wounding deeply.

In a co-dependent dynamic, we often feel powerless and small. We feel unsatisfied yet unable to change the situation at the same time. We might have tried many times and have given up now, yet there might still be a part of us waiting for the other person to change.

A lot of co-dependency is driven by toxic hope. When people feel desperate for another’s company either for emotional, sexual, or financial reasons, they often naively hope and wait for the other person to change. This rarely happens.

We must recognize and learn to be with the younger part of us who is stuck in desperate waiting and unhealthy hopefulness.

For as long as we unconsciously fuse with and relate from the wounded child within, it is impossible to create healthy relationships.

Learning to be aware of, connect with, and care for this place in us is a true labor of self-acceptance and love, and is essential for our maturation and well-being.

When we take good care of the child in us, we can connect with our adult capacity and challenge or confront the unhealthy dynamics in our lives. You are worthy of mutually supportive and truly fulfilling relationships.

Next time you feel disempowered or small in a relational dynamic, ask yourself how you might be enabling an unhealthy pattern by not speaking up. Once you recognize the part of you who might be scared to speak up, connect with that little one and say, “I see you and I’m here for you.”

Stay like this at least for 5 minutes, eyes closed, attention inward. Feel the child’s fear and give the fear more room in which to expand as you breath more deeply. Don’t try to change what the child is feeling.

You are becoming your own parent, always here to protect and take care of you. You are creating a home within yourself, a place of true safety and support.

It is important to not confuse self-parenting with exaggerated independence. This doesn’t mean we don’t need people in our lives.

Yet learning to connect with ourselves and taking care of our wounding consciously ensures that we won’t be getting into unhealthy dynamics in our relationships from a place of powerlessness or desperation.

We each have a wounded child within and there is nothing wrong with you for needing support at times. This means you are human.

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