Make or Break: How do you handle conflict?

How we handle conflict in our relationships can determine whether or not our connection with our partner will grow stronger over time. Even though conflict is part of any relating, a lot of us have such fear of it that we would avoid conflict even if our lives depended on it.

Resolving conflict implies that you are going to express yourself and that you are going to listen, and actually hear what the other is trying to communicate.

Anger, in its many forms (from healthy, vulnerable assertiveness to destructive rage), is a central element of conflict. The fear of conflict is often the fear of anger and emotional intensity.

Exploring your history with anger is an essential step towards getting better at handling conflict. Did your parents argue a lot? How did they handle their anger? How did you feel as a child around their anger or their repression or denial of their anger?

When do you tend to repress your anger and mute your self-expression? When do you get reactive and turn your anger into aggression?

The more intimate we become with our anger, the less we tend to fear it, whether in ourselves or in others. A degree of emotional intensity is simply passion and vitality - it also often means that you care about what’s happening. You care enough about it to let it ignite passionate self-expression in you.

A general lack of conflict can be just as detrimental and unhealthy in a relationship as continuous, unending conflict.

Relationships where there is simply no conflict at all often have become dull and lifeless. This usually means that the couple is going through the motions instead of confronting and challenging themselves and in each other towards more wakefulness, love, and connection.

Moments of intense conflict tend to bring out our deepest wounding and insecurities to the surface. We might suddenly feel strong fears of rejection and abandonment as well as painful and debilitating unworthiness, especially if we are being treated disrespectfully by our partner during our conflict.

Exploring and working through our pain and these emotions is essential so that we can keep our dignity intact and our healthy power online during intense moments of conflict.

Conflicts don’t necessarily go away as a couple’s connection and love deepen. In fact, these moments can become even more fiery and intense because there is more on the line now for both people.

The goal is not to create an oasis of harmony in our relationships at the cost of our honesty or vitality, but to deepen and sharpen our skills to such a degree that we no longer mind or are afraid of conflict.

At their best, moments of conflict can bring out the tender hearted warrior in us who sees clearly what might be at stake and who can stay in touch with what matters most in any given moment.

Such awareness and skilfulness allows us to stay connected with our vulnerability and heart even when we are (or have to be) heated in order to clear out the emotional deadwood that is clogging the lifelines of our connection with our beloved.

Conflict can deepen love, if we let it.

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