Strong Foundation: True Safety and Trust
Perhaps the most essential work for couples is to establish a great foundation of safety and trust with each other. If we rush into our romance and go too fast, we fail to establish such a foundation. And if we postpone the deepening of our connection for too long, then we might also miss our chance at true safety and trust.
You must allow enough time to digest the experiences in your intimacy with each other. Don’t rush anything. Wanting to rush intimacy is often a sign of fearfulness. Explore your fears.
True safety is a lot more than feeling “secure” with our partner. Thinking, “I know he would never leave me” is not what true safety is about.
For me to feel truly safe with you, I need to know that I can rely on you, that you are trustworthy, and that you won’t go behind my back and share with others (without my explicit permission) what I have shared with you.
I need to know that you will treat me the way you would like to be treated. For me to feel truly safe with you, I need to see over and over that you are sensitive and compassionate with me instead of negatively critical and controlling.
Integrity, wakefulness, and love functioning together creates true safety and trust. If you don’t trust your partner, it is a lot healthier to explore the roots of your mistrust than trying to deny it. Perhaps every now and then your partner behaves in a way that makes you question if you should fully trust them.
Instead of convincing yourself that, “It’s not a big deal” or “This happens in every relationship” etcetera, feel your mistrust more deeply. Explore the origins of it perhaps going all the way back to your childhood and have a genuine, vulnerable, and truly sincere conversation with your partner about the kind of relationship you would like to create together.
Without sufficient safety and trust, we won’t let go and open more fully in our relationships - we will always be holding back. You deserve to have the kind of intimacy that frees you and your partner to be who you truly are. This is our birthright.
Exploring our mutual mistrust with our partner can hugely deepen the intimacy we share. Such exploration can become a heartfelt invitation to deeper integrity and awareness for both partners.
Here is a list of what could undermine the safety and trust in your relationship:
Questioning the entire relationship by talking about breaking up in the middle of heated arguments
Leaking sexual energy outside of the relationship (including through porn)
Going behind our partner’s back emotionally by sharing with someone else (other than a therapist, for example) something we aren’t sharing with our partner
Any kind of aggression (including blaming and shaming each other) - especially if it is continuous or if you are not doing something to address it directly and without delay
Lies and affairs (obviously)
Not taking responsibility for hurting our partner - unhealthy defensiveness
Not expressing ourselves authentically (not showing up)
Relationships are a great source of joy and happiness in our lives. They are also where our biggest difficulties lie. Diving deeply into yourself and exploring the dynamics of your childhood as well as your first romantic relationships can greatly clarify and help you make sense of your current relational struggles.
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