Attunement: Context and Content in Relating

A lot of us lead mind-driven lives, however free or spacious our minds may be.

We have lost trust in our feeling core. A big part of this is cultural conditioning, some of it is gender conditioning, and a lot of it is because we don’t want to get hurt again.

The pain of our early wounding haunts us to such a degree that we would rather not feel anything at all than getting in touch with our suffering. 

Numbing ourselves, whether through dissociative spiritual practices or through social media voyeurism or narcotic, pornographic, or alcoholic “solutions” to our pain is so common that a lot of us no longer question our habitual reactions to life’s inherent challenges.

The more we thus hide from our pain, the bigger our suffering gets - festering in the shadows.

And which area of our lives is most impacted by our denial of our pain? Our relationships. 

Relationships in which one or both people are emotionally shut down almost always have an expiry date or a certain depth beyond which there is no access. Such relationships tend to lack aliveness as well as richness and warmth. They tend to be driven by fear, more than by love and joy. 

If I’m shut down within, I cannot show up in any fulfilling way in my relationships. 

I can attune to your feeling state and stay connected with you only to the degree that I’m feeling connected and grounded within myself. 

Without attunement, there is no relating simply because there is no connection. As long as we are trying to connect with our loved ones through our intellect (instead of our whole body) attunement is not possible. 

Most relationships are full of missed opportunities for attunement. 

I feel myself as I feel you and I’m feeling you feel me - this is attunement. 

When we feel attuned to our partner (or close friend), we tend to feel more relaxed and softened, more open and alive, more at ease and willingly exposed. We tend to feel at home within the “we” space created by our connection. 

Taking care of this “we” space includes taking care of and truly honouring our emotions and emotional needs. Such honouring is the opposite of self-numbing. 

No more hiding in the intellect. No more bypassing in the name of Enlightenment. No more denial of our humanity and natural pain. 

Then there is fluidity in the information and energy flow within and between us. Then there is life again in our relating and more spaciousness both in our minds and hearts. 

Softened belly, opened heart, and a still mind are the natural resources of an emotionally connected and grounded nervous system - fully primed for life-giving attunement. 

Whole body relating can feel like celebration and love even in the midst of conflict. 

When we don’t know the context of someone’s early wounding, the content of their arguments can confuse us at best and distance us from them at worst.

There is so much about a person that doesn’t meet the eye: Their repressed emotions, their undigested relational wounding, their hopes and fears. 

It is easy to be shocked about someone’s reactions when we don’t know their early history. But once we do, everything suddenly makes sense whether or not we agree with them or whether we like what they say or how they behave. 

An essential part of relational deepening is getting to know our partner’s (or close friend’s) wounding - this is the context of their suffering and habitual patterns. 

When we not only think about, but also feel our partner’s pain and emotions, we internalize their feeling core. This feeling into, feeling for, and feeling with is the birthplace of empathy and compassion.

The contents of what our partner might say during a moment of conflict often makes perfect sense once we know the context from which they arise. 

This awareness allows us to compassionately look at both our own wounding and our partner’s and consciously move forward with respect and understanding. 

Even if we must confront or challenge certain behaviours of our loved one, now we have access to depth which gives us clarity. 

Appreciating the other exactly for who they are is not possible in any real depth without us being with them in their pain. As a relationship deepens, we move from my (or your) pain to our pain, finding in our shared heart plenty of room for the wounding of both of us. 

We don’t shrink to accommodate each other, but expand to include the other. We don’t meet half way like politicians, but crossover to each other’s sides completely with our whole heart. 

Such giving doesn’t feel like a loss, but a true offering of our heart. 

Holding our own wounding leads to holding our wounding together and then to being held by the Holy - the way it’s always been. 

What a gift.

Click here to get in touch with me for a free discovery call. Read more about relationships here.