Is Monogamy Dead?

Today, many people believe that monogamy is outdated - a thing of the past. Is monogamy truly dead?

When they talk about the monogamy they know (or have witnessed in others, including their parents), they often complain about how boring it is, how such monogamy is lifeless and loveless and how much better it is to love many people at once. 

These are often the advocates of non-monogamy - a relational dynamic that is becoming more and more popular. 

Non-monogamists sometimes argue that monogamy has never been the case for human beings in our evolution, and that we have adopted this model of relating purely because of social and systemic reasons. 

Others might blame patriarchy for the failures of monogamy, not seeing that such finger pointing has limited benefits unless we are also committed to our deepest healing and awakening. 

Looking at the state of a great many monogamous relationships, it is impossible to dismiss everything they’re saying. 

Yes, monogamy is more and more proving itself to be a prison of flatness and boredom, but I don’t think monogamy is on its way out - at all.  

What needs to change is how we relate to our partner and where we are relating from! 

A lot of relationships become stale because people have given up on themselves, and also likely on their relationship. Conflicts accumulate (even when there is no apparent conflict) and emotional distance forms between partners.  

Add to that the stresses of daily living (and maybe a kid or two) and in the end, we’ve become roommates at best and enemies at worst. 

Can we blame monogamy for this? 

In other words, is getting into non-monogamy a true “solution” for the way we feel and relate? 

I believe the answer is “no.” 

Monogamy isn’t for everyone and the same can be said for non-monogamy. 

Whether we are going to feel fulfilled in any type of relating depends mostly (and very directly) on us. 

Those who commit to working on themselves begin to see this very clearly, as I have been seeing it: The quality of my relating depends on how deeply I feel connected to myself and how sanely I am learning to navigate difficult moments in my relationships.

A relationship can (potentially) greatly improve and deepen even if one partner is doing their work. 

Your relationship might be in need of some quality revitalization or perhaps a full-on resuscitation. 

Regardless of where you are with your partner(s), starting to work on your relationship is always a good idea, and really worth it for as long as you still have at least some love in your heart for your beloved.

If love is there, it is never too late. 

A few more thoughts about non-monogamy:

Non-monogamy can be a great adventure and an “I” opener if you feel called to get into it. The challenges of deep relating and navigating more than one such relationship has the potential to show you a lot of what you need to see (in order to heal and awaken) in a short time. 

This can both be a gift and a re-traumatizing process depending on how overwhelming things get. 

Do I think there is anything that non-monogamy can give us that awakened monogamy cannot? No. 

If you go into it fully, monogamy is a far superior container for deep healing and awakening (and therefore, deeper love) than non-monogamy can ever consistently generate, and by a large margin! 

“That is a very big claim,” you might think. Let me tell you why I think so. 

Non-monogamy can feel extremely freeing in the beginning, and this is true, but only compared to conventional (and lifeless) monogamy.

Non-monogamy receives many refugees from the boring lands of conventional monogamy. A lot of these refugees aren’t necessarily looking for deep relating. 

Some look for a pleasurable distraction from their lives, some for complicated relational dramas, and some others, perhaps for a kind of freedom they have never experienced before, without giving much thought to what true freedom is. 

Many non-monogamists tend to confuse (innocently so) limitlessness with real freedom, as well as abandoning our boundaries with being unconditionally loving. 

Why do I see monogamy as a better container of healing and awakening? 

Because in awakened monogamy, we are consistently keeping our relationship free from cracks. The singular focus of such relating might seem limiting at first, but as such a bond deepens, we begin to feel the true gifts of such limitation. 

By not letting anyone come in between us and by not letting sexual energy leak outside of our relationship, we find not a suffocating prison in the name of intimacy, but a connection that becomes a truly sacred adventure for two. 

Such sacredness naturally spills out to all those around us. 

In such relating, my beloved becomes my portal to the deepest kind of love (and me for her) we are capable of, one that can transcend what it means to “relate.” 

This is not co-dependency, but interdependence which can also reveal that which transcends relationship altogether. My beloved is the Beloved showing up here in human form - the way everything and everyone else is. 

Such tender depth is not possible when our relational (and sexual) resources are divided up into pieces.

Please don’t take my word for any of this, go out there and experience for your self. 

The enemy of relating, if there is one, is half-heartedness. 

Experiment with and then commit to a relational dynamic. Whether you have one or multiple partners, relate with your whole being regardless of the degree of commitment at any given moment. 

Get into relationship fully, and eventually don’t hold back and you shall find, through this powerful engagement with Love, everything you’ve been longing for! 

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