Navigating Boundaries and Expectations
We can only communicate the boundaries we are aware of within ourselves.
Becoming aware of our boundaries is to become more fully human and to wake up to what makes fulfilling relationships possible.
Boundaries are psycho-energetic membranes that both define and protect what’s sensitive, vulnerable, or wounded in us. A healthy boundary in a relationship can also be seen as a healthy expectation.
Generally, we expect to be treated respectfully.
If my friend doesn’t show up for our meeting without letting me know and if I know that he could have done so, then it is natural for me to feel hurt since I am not being truly honoured and respected in this dynamic.
If I’m not in touch with my hurt, then I cannot know what’s really bothering me. Without enough clarity on what matters to us in relationships, we cannot advocate for our yes’s and no’s.
To get to know your boundaries, feel into what hurts. Also, feel into what makes you angry. If you didn’t care (if what happened wasn’t important to you) you wouldn’t get angry about it.
What gets you upset and angry can also show you what your values are. If being responsible is important to you, then any time you perceive someone as “irresponsible,” you might get angry or upset.
It is important to investigate: Am I merely perceiving this person as irresponsible, or are they really being irresponsible? Look at what they are doing and stay with the behaviour instead of labelling someone’s entire character as “irresponsible.”
How am I seeing and feeling this situation? Am I looking through the eyes of the wounded child in me or am I experiencing this moment as the adult that I am?
If you find yourself suddenly shutting down/ becoming hopeless/ reacting/ getting lost in your head, then the child in you is now active and needs your presence and care.
The child in you needs you much more than s/he needs your friend to apologize.
Stay with this wounded place in you, get in touch with the deep hurt that likely goes all the way back to your first relationships in life whether with parents, close friends, teachers, etc.
After you feel more settled, you can act since you might still need to have a conversation with your friend and perhaps clarify expectations.
Now you can be curious instead of reactive, you can be alive and engaged instead of being hopeless and shutting down.
You can make a request instead of trying to control their behaviour. If they don’t respect what matters to you, then they are making a choice. And so can you, by disconnecting.
What makes a request genuine and healthy? That you are not trying to control their behaviour.
You connect with your vulnerability and express yourself.
At times vulnerability alone is not enough and you need to be assertive to underline something that matters to you or to prevent further hurt (if you’re being attacked in any way at that moment, for example).
Healthy anger exists. Use it. Don’t think “being nice” will save the day. Niceness is not true kindness.
Explore your fear of rocking the boat and never tolerate disrespect. Disrespect can become abuse very quickly if we’re not careful.
First we feel into what really matters to us. Then we get clear about our boundary. Then we become vulnerable and make a request.
As your heart extends towards the other person in the form of your sharing and request, make sure you aren’t abandoning your core autonomy and dignity as you do so.
To need or want something is to be vulnerable and so is being human. What we need matters. How we are treated matters.
And how we treat others also matters, including what we do when we are feeling very hurt or angry.
Stay connected to both your power and heart as you navigate boundaries and expectations and you shall find that vulnerability truly is a source of strength.
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