The Role of (Healthy) Anger in Relationships
Very often confused with both hatred and violence, anger by itself is simply a human emotion just like any other. For as long as we are alive, each of us is going to feel angry at times just like we are going to feel sad, ashamed, scared, etc.
Anger comes with being human. What matters most is how we choose to handle our anger.
Do you repress it, trying to push it away like something you are ashamed of? Do you lose yourself in your anger’s perspective and weaponize its passionate fire against others? Are you scared of your anger, not knowing what it might do if you give it expression?
In its simple form, anger is the felt sense of having been wronged, disrespected, or otherwise harshed on and wanting to do something about it. Anger, for better or worse, prepares us for action. Anger wants to protect what we value.
Anger is a vulnerable emotion. Anger can show us what matters to us. If you are angry about something, this means what’s happening matters to you, otherwise you simply wouldn’t care.
Aggression, on the other hand, is anger that has lost connection with vulnerability and heart, anger that is being used as a weapon to attack, to retaliate, to injure the other. Aggression is a behavior while anger is simply a state, an emotion.
Without healthy anger, we cannot have healthy relationships.
Healthy anger can help you defend yourself and speak up after your partner has disrespected you. When partners in a relationship are disconnected from their healthy anger (and therefore their power and voice), their connection goes flat simply because they are not challenging each other’s unhealthy or hurtful behaviors. They are enabling unhealthy patterns to continue.
Healthy anger is the guardian of healthy boundaries and depth in relating, capable of illuminating a lot more than we can imagine. So let your anger speak and your body move, let it roar. Find a space where you can be alone and undisturbed for at least 2 minutes and dive right in.
Let the fire and passion of your anger take you to the heart of what matters to you. Let it show you the pain and the tenderness at its core. Keep practicing with this like a martial artist learning a new skill. This is one way that you can explore your anger.
Your relationship is where you put your new skills to good use. Let your anger enhance your connection with your partner. Let your honesty vulnerably speak and don’t hold back your fire. Practice and keep practicing the art of staying connected to both your power and heart at the same time and don’t burden yourself with the demands of perfectionism in this.
It is better to speak up even if we are a bit messy in our expression, than to stay quiet about something that matters to us. If you get disrespectful in your expression, clean it up afterwards by saying “sorry” from your heart.
Getting to know our anger very well ensures that we don’t use it unconsciously to hurt others whether through passive aggressiveness, through sarcasm, or through shaming or blaming them.
Exploring anger deeply is to explore and get to know our boundaries very well. Remember: If you don’t have a clear and direct “no,” you cannot have a full “yes.” Explore your anger to find out where your “no’s” are and keep exploring.
Being in touch with our healthy anger and speaking up doesn’t mean we need to be loud. Sometimes anger can be quiet and still express healthy autonomy and assertiveness.
As you learn to stay connected with your healthy anger more and more consistently, you’ll find that relationships become easy and much more enjoyable, because you can express yourself clearly and directly even under difficult circumstances without the fear of hurting others.
Anger divested of both repression and aggression is anger with heart - a kind of compassionate fire that can cut through emotional deadwood with clarity and precision, and illuminate what needs to be seen in a given situation. Don’t miss this essential relational skill.
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