Embracing the Challenges of Relating
Anyone can fall in love, that’s easy. But to sustain, deepen, and celebrate love through ups and downs of relational challenges - that’s an art well worth practicing.
Relating is among the most fulfilling experiences of our lives. When we feel deeply connected with someone (or a group of people such as a community) we feel truly at home and at peace, thoroughly enjoying what it means to be together.
As human beings, we are very relational creatures. We could even say that we exist only through relationships. How can I know myself without coming in contact with other people and going through experiences that show me what I like and value in life?
We also carry undigested pain and wounding from the early experiences of our lives. What gets wounded in relationships also heals in relationships. The difficult times in relationships are also the times when we grow the most.
There is a time to leave a relationship that hasn’t been working for a while, there is also a time to even more fully commit to working on our relationship.
What does it really mean to work on our relationship?
To me, working on my relationship means that I’m going to become more aware of what happens to me and how I feel as continuously as possible in the context of my connection with my partner.
Consider these questions:
What happens in you (how do you feel) when your partner challenges or confronts a behavior of yours? Do you shut down? Do you get defensive? Do you suddenly lose all hope about your relationship working?
When you notice a behavior of your partner that hurts you, is it easy for you to speak up? If you don’t say something, why not? Do you react and become aggressive with your partner when you feel hurt by something they’ve said or done?
How do you handle thirds in your relationship? Thirds include everything in your life that is neither you nor your partner. Do you value your work more than you value your relationship? Does your cell phone become more important than taking time to connect with your partner at times? Are you able to stay on your partner’s side (as a healthy team) and support them when conflicts arise with your parents or parents in law?
Are you leaking any sexual energy outside of your relationship? Think about porn use as well as “innocent” sexual flirting.
Do you trust your partner completely? Are you willing to look at what is keeping you from trusting them even more?
Are you aware of your past wounding? This is the pain you carry from before you got in your current relationship. Getting in touch with this pain and working through it with both patience and self-compassion is a radical act of self-acceptance that begins your healing.
Are there any emotions that you repress? How would it be to not repress them?
Is there anything from your past that you are intentionally not sharing with your partner? How would it be to share this with them? What do you gain from keeping this a secret?
Genuine relating is never easy. Yet the more aware we are of our internal world, the more deeply we can live and love. When we no longer run from the challenges of deep relating, our relationship becomes a sacred container for the deepest healing and growth.
The safety and trust that makes such a relationship possible is our birthright. The more transparent we become with our beloved, the safer we tend to feel with them and the safer we feel, the more transparent we can be.
As relationships deepen, there is always more at stake in case things go wrong. But don’t let this scare you away from love. Work through your fears and courageously keep opening to loving and being loved more and more deeply.
Love has the power to both heal and awaken us. Let it strengthen and humble you. Let it guide you. Let it take you beyond your self.
Click here to get in touch with me for a free discovery call. Read more about relationships here.