The Impossible Dilemma: Monogamy or Polyamory?

Act One: Monogamy in Ruins

Monogamy isn’t doing so well these days. Divorce rates are higher than ever and so are the numbers of unhappy couples stuck in boring monogamous relationships across the globe, everywhere.

In its place options abound: Casual dating forever, choosing a no-sex life, open relationships, monogamish arrangements, etcetera upon endless etcetera.

The relational confusion and cultural destabilization these options bring (because they directly challenge the status quo) are a necessary price we must pay to clarify and then choose what we truly desire.

As it is widely practiced, monogamy is a life-sucking prison for two, in which a shred of passion is celebrated as a miracle once the honeymoon stage is over.

Our society’s cultic worship of monogamy signals not so much an open-eyed, sacred choice, but a lack of choice - a kind of mass obedience in the name of love.

Thank God, these days a lot more people would rather be single than being in a monogamous relationship that promises so much (think marriage vows) yet delivers so little!

Most monogamous relationships might look pretty good on the surface as in, “They have everything: Great jobs, two and a half children, beautiful house. They must be so happy!”

Yet the moment we scratch the thin layer of apparent perfection, we find not fulfilment but self-betrayal, not so much reality but a lot of fantasy, not so much vitality but a lot of numbness and people going through the motions.

Monogamy, the way it is practised today by so many, is a death sentence, slowly sucking the life out of anything that could be called “love.”

Here is the question that keeps many minds busy these days: Instead of being in a relationship that has become dull and sexless, why should I not experiment with multiple partnering?

There is no reason why you shouldn’t! I’d say go ahead, what are you waiting for!? If your monogamous relationship is defined by repressed desire, endless moments of awkward silence and settling for crumbs in general, the odds are that your relationship is past the point of no return.

Either completely commit to working on your current relationship or end it, for the sake of everyone involved.

And if you end it, and if you are curious about other ways of relating, have at it, dive in, and enjoy the exploration and discovery of what our times have to offer. You can find out so much about yourself and relationships by going outside of your comfort zone.

Does this mean I am against monogamy? No, not at all. But I am for choice, real choice, informed choice. I am for honesty and freedom.

Act Two: The Plot Thickens

Compared with soul-killing monogamy, multiple partnering (or any non-monogamous dynamic), might seem like a breath of fresh air, a solution to solve our relational struggles, the magic cure for every relational and sexual dis-ease.

Polyamory sure promises a whole lot of freedoms, including sexually!

Should we scratch the surface of open relationships? If we are interested in truth, we must.

A lot of non-monogamy enthusiasts claim that they prefer multiple partnering because there is no co-dependency in it - everyone is free and no one is pressured to be a certain way. In short, there are no rigid rules and “shoulds” in non-monogamy.

Even though there is a lot of truth to this, non-monogamous dynamics can be just as codependent with an extra layer of pretend freedom and “look at how advanced and evolved we are” self-righteousness and moral superiority toward “those poor conventionals who are still stuck in monogamy.”

Thus the codependency in non-monogamous relationships is often more covert and much harder to see and work on than that in monogamous relating.

If I’m feeling emotionally or sexually needy, and if I just had a big argument with one of my partners, I can just as easily leave that argument behind (read: ignore and repress) and fulfill my needs with another partner instead of staying in the discomfort and much needed fire of what isn’t working in my relationships.

And what about the enormous amount of time and energy required to deeply relate with more than one romantic partner? Those who claim to be able to afford such time and energy and find the joy in it might fail to see the underlying dynamics and the pay-offs of their relational patterns.

Why do we need to have sex with those we feel genuinely close to? What happened to being great friends with a lot of amazing people?

Even though it can feel tremendously freeing to have no limitations on our sexuality, this way of being can become its own prison especially if we are not aware of what is being sexualized within us.

Those who crave sexual intimacy (whether with one partner or more) often unconsciously replicate and live out their early childhood dynamics and traumas in their sex lives now as adults.

Take a kink example while we are at it: There is nothing particularly healthy about having to be choked in order to feel turned on.

Take away the sexual dynamics in any given scenario of a sexual encounter and what do we have left? Intensity and focused attention, another looking at us, seeing, wanting, being kind to us, holding us.

To the degree to which we haven’t felt these as a child, we are going to have a charge with having another’s attention on us. The charge and pain of these unmet needs become sexualized as we mature into adulthood. There is so much to sex that doesn’t meet the eye.

While conventional monogamy represses and dulls sex, non-monogamy confuses limitlessness with true sexual freedom.

It is a lot healthier and much more fulfilling to explore the non-sexual dynamics of our sex lives than automatically assuming that we are simply living out our free choices through our sexuality.

Act Three: Rebirth

The learning and growth possible through non-monogamous relating is a stepping stone towards much deeper relating, towards the flowering and actualization of a lot of people’s deepest relational longing: The Love beyond love.

Monogamy must be questioned and crucified, so that it can be resurrected and made anew.

The kind of monogamy possible through a significant amount of inner-work and relational disillusionment, after more than a few heart breaks and relational fuck-ups, and when we have at least a few wrinkles as a testament to our life experiences and our corresponding and hard-earned depth and maturity, is the leading edge of what is relationally possible today in our world.

This relationship dynamic, which I call awakened monogamy, is the least known and explored relational experiment on the planet - a fresh adventure for those who are willing to go all the way with one romantic partner. No plan Bs, no leaking of sexual energy outside of one’s relationship, and no self-repression in the name of love!

No self-numbing in the name of peace, no muting of one’s passion and fire. A relationship in which my freedom matters just as much as my partner’s and just as much as the integrity of the sacred container of deep healing and awakening we are co-creating.

In conventional monogamy, we sacrificed ourselves for the relationship. In non-monogamy, we thought our freedom was more important than anything else and now, having matured, we feel more deeply where our true freedom lies: In deep love, healing, and transformation and in creating a life of true awakening and deepening together.

Seeing through both codependency and exaggerated independence, we find the beauty and truth of interdependence and consciously share power and vulnerability, and allow our relating to further show us the way to truer love.

Nothing extraordinary or special, just two people hand in hand, life partners, co-journeyers, gently leaving the familiar shores of the known, as they open to what is more real than fear.

A Love beyond love welcomes us when we learn to see with undreaming eyes. I bow to such warriors of intimacy.

The Verdict

Monogamy is not for everyone, either conventional or awakened, and neither is non-monogamy. Wherever your heart leads you, that’s the place to be.

The learning I suggested through non-monogamy can easily happen also with inner-work. There is no requirement to go through non-monogamy before one arrives at awakened monogamy.

Love is love. What truly matters is that you dive in and go into it fully especially once there is enough trust and safety in your relationship(s).

The biggest danger in relating is half-heartedness. At one point, you need to be fully in. Either go big or go home. When it comes to love, it is that simple. If your heart is not in it, don’t waste anyone’s time including yours. End it and move on.

And if you find fear is holding you back, then commit to working on yourself with a qualified guide who knows exactly what you are going through. Relational deepening work is one of the most important work you will ever do in your life, and very likely one of the hardest.

Don’t postpone the longings of your heart.

Love matters most.

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