The Essence of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion can seem like a vague concept. There are many who believe it’s about doing what we want regardless of the consequences, confusing carelessness and rebelliousness with genuine self-love.

What is self-compassion? What does it mean to care for ourselves? And if I am caring for my self then who is really doing the caring and for whom, since there is only one me? Self-compassion can seem like a riddle.

The essence of self-compassion is being gentle with the part of us that is wounded. This is the child in us. Self-love is the profoundly empowering and humbling practise of accepting, caring for, and protecting our vulnerability and wounding.

Because of social and gender conditioning, each of us have come to dislike (and perhaps hate) differents aspects of our humanity. Some hide their tears, while some repress their anger. Some of us are ashamed of our bodies, while others freeze each time they feel like they need to perform whether at work or in the bedroom.

Self-compassion is about exploring and softening the harshness within. The rigidity with which we live is killing us. The heavy burden of “shoulds” and our unexplored fears that run us from the shadows suffocate us.

Getting to know our wounding as well as our shame and fears is the essence of self-compassion. As we get more intimate with our pain, we deepen in our humanity and feel not only more empowered in life, but also more compassionate with those around us.

Working with Shame

When we are in the grips of toxic shame, we feel emotionally flat and numb. We feel shut down and we want to isolate. The pain of shame is so powerful that we would do anything to not feel it including trying to numb this pain through competitiveness, sex, drugs, binge eating, workaholism, etc.

Unacknowledged shame is also responsible for a lot of aggression. When we feel pumped up with anger, we are no longer feeling the flatness and numbness of shame. Exploring our anger deeply can help us connect with the shame that might be fueling it.

Holding the ashamed child in us with gentleness and compassion allows our shame to soften. The natural self-worth and dignity we end up connecting with are our birthright and they don’t depend on outside validation. This is unconditional worthiness.

Neither chasing the imaginary standards of perfection nor describing ourselves as “imperfect,” we find the innocence and joy of being ourselves - unburdened by internal and external pressures. We do what we can in any given moment and move on.

When we feel truly worthy, we don’t confuse rebelliousness with genuine self-love and have no interest in defining ourselves as “shameless.” We work with our shame directly and have no motivation to fight against it through careless behaviors that might actually be toxic for us.

Working with Fear

Fear is perhaps our most contracted emotion. When fear runs us, we retract into our cocoon in an attempt to prevent getting hurt. Some fear is adaptive, but a lot of fear is not. Getting to know our fears and working through them is the path of the Heart Warrior.

Fear is very likely the first emotion any of us feel right after we are born. Our fears often go way back to our childhood and connect with our earliest wounds. Fear is the boundary between your present-day comfort level and what’s ready to emerge in you.

The more we hold the fearful us with gentleness and compassion, the more our fear softens and our whole being energetically expands. This expansion often stills our minds, since a lot of mind activity is fueled by unconscious and unheld fear.

If you’re looking for deep transformation, look no further. Working through fear takes courage and also deepens our courage, until we begin to feel that any situation, no matter how unpleasant or difficult, is actually workable. Feeling this gives birth to a peace that passes understanding.

No longer interested in being “fearless,” we work with our fears with both patience and gentleness. That which in you that is aware of fear is not afraid. Stay there as you hold the fearful child in you with compassion.

Bringing our shame and fear out of the shadows is an adventure worth embarking on. Along the way we don’t only encounter pain, but also get in touch with what is our birthright: Our innocence and joy, our natural worthiness and dignity, our courage and peace.

Read more about healing here.