Enter the Cave: Encountering the Shadow

Alex is a cheerful, happy-go-lucky guy. His friends describe him as “kind and thoughtful” and he describes himself as “a nice guy who loves to help people.” Alex loves to do things for others to such an extent that he neglects his own life and needs.

Despite being very kind and having a lot of friends, Alex also has a long list of people who he never talks to because he cut them off completely from his life after heated arguments and conflicts.

I often feel tired and can never accomplish anything in life. How do I change this pattern?

He begins shadow work saying that he often feels tired and can never finish what he starts. He wants to be more productive in life and take steps in establishing his own business.

As we explore his relationships, Alex says it’s hard for him to say “no” to people when they want something from him. His girlfriend complains that he spends too much time helping people and doesn’t connect with her emotionally. She’s been unhappy for almost a year and Alex is worried he might lose her.

During our sessions, I begin to guide Alex to say “no” through role-plays and emotion-focused practices. I help him get in touch with his anger after I explain to him that our healthy anger is the protector of our healthy boundaries and this emotion can help us take a stand and express ourselves assertively when we need to.

I was 6 years old when it happened.

After a few sessions, Alex opens up about witnessing his father beat his mother a few times when he was a little boy. He remembers that he was scared watching this happen and didn’t know what to do. He also remembers deciding he never wanted to be like his father. His father was angry and unlike him, Alex wanted to be kind instead.

He understands that through this decision, and innocently, he got disconnected from his anger and his anger became part of his shadow along with his healthy “no.” A few more sessions later, he also sees that because he is so used to repressing his anger, every now and then his anger erupts and he feels completely out of control.

When this happened during arguments with close friends, he often got very heated and aggressive and ended up cutting many people off from his life. In these moments, he felt reactive and rigid, disconnected from the vulnerability and hurt he was also feeling.

In these moments of reactivity, he felt like punishing those who wronged him, and that’s what he did.

Alex is not only reclaiming his healthy anger, he is also connecting with the little boy in him who witnessed what was happening between his parents. As he explores the fear and the helplessness he felt witnessing his father beat his mother, he is starting to feel less frozen and more comfortable around emotional intensity.

As he gets more used to expressing both his righteous anger and his needs with those around him, he has more time to take care of his own life including resting when he needs to. Alex is taking care of himself emotionally for the first time in his life. He has more energy for everything and is more emotionally available now for his girlfriend.

She is happy that Alex is feeling more connected with his true self and his authenticity. She finds him more trustworthy now that he is more capable of saying “no” when he wants to.

As Alex continues with shadow work, he also finds the roots of his people pleasing behaviours. He was appreciated only when he helped out with chores at home.

The more he did for his parents, the more they liked him.

At a young age, he started to believe that he was valuable only for as long as he contributed and did things for others without asking for anything in return.

The wounded boy in him deeply needs to be appreciated for who he is instead of being loved only for what he can do. As he gets in touch with this boy now as an adult, Alex begins to experience a kind of joy, vitality, and peace he only remembers from his early childhood.

Looking at his wounding and emotions hasn’t been easy for Alex, but his hard work pays off: He begins to cultivate mutually fulfilling relationships with those around him where he both gives and receives love and support.

Alex feels more and more at home and whole in his being.

You can have your best life.

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